Oh-No-Not-in-Kyoto. Conspiracy Theories and the Communists. I Want to Report Naked Women in the Onsen

Kinkakuji, Kyoto's Golden Palace

There are many things you can do in Japan.

$8 worth of sushi from convenience store

You can buy really good sushi at convenience stores.  You can walk safely down the streets at any time of night without fear of being mugged.  You can count on sitting down on a warm toilet seat that 's not necessarily warm because of the person ahead of you.  You can get strangers to help you do all manner of things, from selecting your food to performing simple arithmetic with a handful of what are still strange and exotic coins.  And if you can handle those coins on your own, you can even buy beer out of a vending machine.

But one thing you cannot do in Japan:  you cannot check into a hotel until the check-in time.  Please do not ask.  It produces That Look.  You know That Look.  It's worn on the faces of service people everywhere  when confronted by wretchedness.  If you think you'll just show up at the hotel an hour before check in time in mid-week when hardly anyone else is there,  do not assume they are going to be happy to see you and let you in.  Half of this is true.  They will be happy to see you.  They will not let you in.

Luggage for a mid-week visit to Kyoto

Despite how many Certificates of Excellence  I am certain the desk clerk was awarded during his service training, as I was walking away from the lobby with my backpack stowed in the luggage room but no room key for another hour, I imagined the  internal dialogue that went off inside his head.

"Early check -in!  Mon Dieu!  When will these Americans learn to read? We state it clearly on the website, in the confirming email we send them when they made their reservation, in the warm and sincere welcome-to-our hotel-message from our manager ten minutes later, in the follow up e-mail two days before their stay, in the immediate email the day before they arrive  and  right now, here on the desk in front of them is a sign we paid big Yen for someone to translate into English.  It clearly says, 'Accept -in:  13:00.'  And how many times do I have to  answer their stupid question, 'What time is that in my time?'  If  I have to hear about how only Communist countries measure time with all 24 hours or endure one more insult about how we drive on the wrong side of the road, I may just have to do something disrespectful.  I'm actually thinking about flaring my nostrils or maybe I'll breathe deeply as soon as they're out of hearing distance.  I'm that tired of it.

Do all these Americans get together and decide to torment us with a request for an early check in?  Is there a website somewhere they all subscribe to?   We start letting these Americans go to their rooms early and the next thing you know, those Australians and Brits are going to begin demanding equal treatment.  All that good English must go to their heads.

Why should we let them in their rooms early anyway?   They're not in  their rooms 10 minutes before they start  calling down for more towels and bigger slippers and do we have an XXL size yukata?  What do Americans do with all those towels?  One towel.  One person.  How hard  of a concept is that to grasp?

And to think I wasted a a great bow on this woman.  In fact, it was probably my best bow of the day.  For this I'm still paying off a school loan?


And it's bad enough that when they do finally check in, they start playing around with the operation buttons for the toilet  and it never fails, within 15 minutes someone has to go up and show them how to turn off the sprayers or lower the temperature of the cleansing squirts.  It's not my fault their behinds get burned.   Right there, a big warning, plain as anything in bold face hirgana,  熱制御には触れないでください.  

And didn't anyone teach these Americans how to bathe properly?  They treat the onsen soaking tub like it's filled with water for swimming.  Last week one of the American women guests complained that no one was wearing swimsuits in the soaking pool.  She went in expecting a hot steamy place to lie down in and relax and instead found a dozen naked Japanese women submerged in the water with folded towels balanced on their heads.  I heard about what goes on in hot tubs in America.  Maybe she should go to California before she comes here with her high-minded ideas about wearing swimsuits in the onsen.  My grandmother would laugh her right off the tatami mat.

Oh, I know this sort of thinking is unkind and I need to stop.  OK, I'm stopping now.  I really like Americans.  They always want to know how I know they're American before they even start talking. What else would they be?  Certainly not French.  

I always tell them it's because they are so friendly and so upbeat.  But the truth is far from that little lie:  like we don't get Duck Dynasty in Japan?  Who do they think started Dynasties to begin with.  What sort of country do they think we run here?"

Did I mention the weather in Kyoto was really nice?